Recovering from an affair is complicated. It’s a betrayal of your trust from one of the most significant people in your life. Moreover, it’s followed by immense emotional turmoil and the prospect of losing this person.

While healing is probably on your mind, beginning the process is difficult and uncertain. You’re not sure where to begin, and even if you are, it’s hard to come out of your emotional tumult and take the first step. Continue reading for a glimpse into how to start the process and what it’s like.

Give Yourself Space to Reflect

Before you begin recovering, you need to know what you want from your marriage.

You might find yourself going back and forth between:

• “I can’t imagine staying.”

• “I can’t imagine leaving.”

• “I just want the pain to stop.”

There’s no rush to make a final decision. But beginning to ask yourself honest questions is important:

• What do I need right now to feel safe?

• What would staying and rebuilding require from me?

• What would leaving require from me?

This reflection is not about blaming yourself for the affair. It’s about understanding your needs, your boundaries, and whether you have any desire to rebuild this relationship once the initial shock settles. Much of this deeper reflection often happens more safely in therapy.

Seek Therapy

Trying to recover from an affair without support can feel overwhelming. Therapy gives you a structured, safer space to process what happened and decide what you want.

For many couples, starting with couples therapy is helpful:

• You can share what you’ve discovered and how it has affected you.

• Your partner can speak to what led them to the affair and what they’re willing to do now.

• A therapist can slow down tense conversations, help keep you emotionally safer, and guide you through what comes next.

In some situations, individual therapy is also useful – for you, your partner, or both. You may need space to talk freely without worrying about hurting your partner’s feelings, or you may simply need support stabilizing your nervous system after the shock of betrayal.

Recovery after infidelity is rarely quick. It often involves uncomfortable truths, difficult conversations, and revisiting painful details. A skilled marriage and infidelity therapist will help you move through this at a pace that is challenging but not retraumatizing.

Communicate

Clear communication is essential during and outside of therapy. Whether you stay with or leave your significant other, you should always uphold clear communication.

That can include:

• Naming your emotions instead of swallowing them.

• Setting boundaries around what you need to feel physically and emotionally safe.

• Asking your partner to end all contact with the person they had an affair with.

• Agreeing on what transparency will look like going forward (for example, around devices, schedules, or finances).

Your partner also needs room to speak not to justify the affair, but to be honest about what was happening for them and what they are now willing to do to repair the relationship.

Healthy communication doesn’t mean you never fight. It means you both stay committed to telling the truth, listening, and returning to the conversation with the shared goal of clarity and healing.

Therapy can help structure these conversations so they’re productive instead of destructive.You need to set boundaries and voice your discomfort to your significant other, and they need to reciprocate. This involves asking them to cut off the person with whom they had an affair. Clear communication will help adequately address problems and prevent them from growing.

Moving Forward – Together or Apart

Healing after an affair doesn’t always mean staying together. For some couples, recovery means rebuilding trust and creating a more honest, connected relationship. For others, it means separating in a way that is as respectful and emotionally healthy as possible.

Both outcomes can involve:

• Grieving what you thought the relationship was.

• Rebuilding your sense of self-worth and identity.

• Creating a realistic picture of what you want your future to look like.

You don’t have to know the final answer right now. Your first job is to get enough support that you’re not trying to carry this alone.

Therapy can help you refocus your thoughts and figure out what you want to do. If you want to stay with your significant other, it can help you work through the problems. If you want to leave, it can give you closure and help you formulate a roadmap for your future.

If you’re in Palo Alto, contact me at Azizeh Rezaiyan Marriage Counseling. My name is Azizeh Rezaiyan, and I offer marriage and infidelity therapy. Get in touch, and I’ll help you organize your thoughts and emotions and help you move forward.