By Azizeh Rezaiyan, LMFT — Couples Therapy in Silicon Valley

Economic shifts and layoffs have hit many Silicon Valley couples hard. When one or both partners lose their job, the emotional impact can reach far beyond the financial. As a couples therapist, I often notice how career uncertainty can quietly unsettle the sense of safety between partners. Connection is affected, especially in high-functioning, high-achieving relationships. Identity and success are deeply intertwined in these relationships.

The Emotional Undercurrent of Job Loss

Unemployment isn’t just about losing income; it’s about losing rhythm, predictability, and sometimes, identity.

In high-performing couples, this can look like:

• Subtle irritability or emotional withdrawal
• Heightened anxiety or over-functioning to “fix” the situation
• Shame or feelings of inadequacy that get masked as criticism or distance

As Dr. Stan Tatkin, founder of the PACT Institute, reminds us, “We are our partner’s environment.” When stress levels rise, our nervous systems become more reactive. It’s easy to shift from connection to protection.

In somatic and experiential work, we slow this process down. We pay attention not just to words. We also pay attention to posture, tone, micro-expressions, and breath. This is the unspoken language of the body. It reveals when partners feel safe or threatened.

Turning Toward Each Other Under Stress

In uncertain times, couples often fall into opposing stress responses. One partner retreats into problem-solving. The other seeks emotional reassurance. Neither is wrong — they’re just different nervous system strategies.

Using experiential and PACT-informed interventions, we focus on regulating together. We learn to read each other’s cues. We respond with warmth. We create micro-moments of safety.

This might mean:

• Holding eye contact a few seconds longer during difficult conversations
• Softening your tone before discussing finances
• Reassuring your partner that you’re in this together

These small, body-based adjustments help the relationship stay a secure base, even when the external world feels uncertain.

Rebuilding Security and Creativity

The Gottman Method is another evidence-based framework I integrate. This method is from the Gottman Institute. It emphasizes rituals of connection — small daily gestures that keep the relationship grounded. These are especially valuable when external structure (like a work schedule) has disappeared.

When stability is shaken, creativity often emerges. Some couples discover new ways to share responsibilities. They might start a joint venture. Others simply reconnect with what truly matters beyond achievement.

A Gentle Reminder

Job loss can feel deeply personal, but it doesn’t have to isolate you from your partner. With support and awareness, you can turn this period into a turning point. You have an opportunity to build a relationship that’s not just successful, but secure.

If you and your partner are navigating the emotional impact of career change, I’d be honored to help. Let’s find a way back to each other.

FAQ 

1) How can we support each other after a job loss without slipping into blame or “fix-it” mode?

Answer: Use a 90-second check-in: name one feeling (“anxious,” “ashamed”), regulate together (six slow breaths, shoulders down), then reassure the bond (“I’m with you; we’ll face this together”). From there, agree on one tiny next step for today (not ten). This keeps you in team-mode and prevents spiral arguments.

2) When should we talk about money—and how often—during unemployment?

Answer: Schedule a 15–20 minute “budget huddle” twice a week. Keep it structured: (1) what’s the biggest worry right now? (2) what would help you feel steady this week (not next year)? (3) one action each before the next huddle. Short, predictable rituals reduce anxiety and stop money talks from taking over the whole relationship.

Azizeh Rezaiyan, LMFT

Couples Counseling for High-Functioning Professionals in Silicon Valley & Portland