The Short Answer
An asexual partner is not broken, and neither is your relationship. Asexual people can love deeply, but they feel little or no sexual attraction. You can feel hurt, lonely, or confused about that, and those feelings matter too. What helps most is honest conversation, no pressure, and a shared plan for closeness that works for both of you.
What Does It Mean When a Partner Is Asexual?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation, in the same way that being straight, gay, or bisexual is an orientation. Asexual people feel little or no sexual attraction. Some are indifferent to sex, some are repulsed by it, and some are open to it in certain situations. Many feel romantic love, loyalty, and emotional closeness just like anyone else.
Asexuality is not a problem that needs to be fixed, and it is not a sign that your partner does not love you. It is also not the same as choosing to be celibate. Celibacy is a choice. Asexuality is not.
It Is Okay to Feel Hurt Too
You may have thought you had found your soulmate, and then learned something that changes what you expected from your relationship. Feeling rejected, lonely, or grieving is normal. It does not make you selfish. It also does not mean your partner did something wrong. Both of you can have real needs that do not match.
Can Asexual People Have Sex? Are We Incompatible?
Some asexual people do choose to have sex, for reasons like closeness or wanting to please a partner. Others do not want sex at all. What matters is that any intimacy is chosen freely. Pressuring or guilt tripping your partner into sex is harmful, and it tends to push the two of you further apart.
Being different in desire does not automatically mean you are incompatible. Many couples with different levels of desire find an arrangement that works. Others realize, after honest talks, that it does not. Either way, the first step is understanding each other.
How to Cope: Six Practical Steps
- Learn together. Read about asexuality and ask your partner what it feels like for them, without judgment.
- Talk about needs without blame. Say what you miss and ask what your partner needs. “I miss feeling close to you” lands very differently from “you never want me.”
- Do not pressure your partner. Your partner already knows they are different from many people. Pressure adds shame and does not create desire.
- Define closeness together. Affection, touch, time together, and emotional intimacy can all matter. Ask each other what feels good and what feels like too much.
- Set boundaries both of you can live with. Boundaries protect both partners. Check in again from time to time, because what works can change.
- Get support. A therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group can help you sort out your own feelings without placing the weight on your partner.
If guilt about low desire is part of the picture for either of you, you may find why you shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to have sex helpful. For simple ways to rebuild closeness, see 10 essential skills that build deeper intimacy in marriage.
Deciding Whether This Relationship Works for You
You cannot change your partner’s orientation, and trying to will hurt both of you. What you can decide is whether the relationship, with honest agreements in place, can meet enough of what each of you needs. That is a personal decision, and there is no right answer. It is easier to make with support, and without blaming your partner for something they cannot control.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy gives you a calm place to talk about desire, closeness, and what each of you needs, without either of you feeling judged or pressured. It does not aim to change who your partner is. It helps you understand each other and find agreements that feel respectful to both of you. Results differ for every couple.
Azizeh Rezaiyan, a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, offers couples therapy for couples facing differences in desire and intimacy, including those with an asexual partner. You can read more about sexuality and intimacy for couples and about the power of marriage counseling.
Common Questions About an Asexual Partner
Can an asexual person still love their partner?
Yes. Asexual people can feel deep emotional closeness, loyalty, and love. Asexual means little or no sexual attraction. It does not mean no love.
Is asexuality something that needs to be fixed?
No. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a problem to solve. Therapy can help you both talk about what you need, but it does not aim to change who your partner is.
Can an asexual person have sex?
Some do, for reasons such as closeness or wanting to please a partner. Others do not want sex at all. What matters is that any intimacy is chosen freely, never pressured.
What if I want more intimacy than my partner does?
This is a common mismatch. Start with honest conversations about your needs and your partner’s limits. Couples therapy gives you a calm space to find options you both feel good about. Results differ for every couple.
Should we both come to therapy?
It can help, and some people start alone. The free 20-minute consultation is a good place to ask which fits.
What if my partner will not come to therapy?
You can start on your own. You do not need your partner to agree first. Individual sessions give you a place to sort out your feelings and decide what you need. Azizeh sees individuals in Silicon Valley and online. A free 20-minute consultation is a good first step, and you can come alone.
Every relationship has its own dynamics, and the right support can give you the tools to build a partnership that feels respectful and fulfilling for both of you. If you are ready to talk, schedule a free 20-minute consultation.
