The short answer
If you feel your relationship has lost the spark, you are far from alone, and it can glow again. Most couples move through times of closeness and times of distance. The spark often fades because of stress, routine, busy schedules or hurt that never got talked about, and you can get the spark back with attention, small daily changes, honest conversation and, for many couples, help from a couples therapist. For many couples in Silicon Valley, long hours and constant pressure make it even easier to drift apart.
What Does “Lost the Spark” Mean?
The spark is the mix of curiosity, playfulness and physical warmth that makes you feel alive with your partner. When it fades, couples describe it in different ways, and these are some of the most common signs:
- You feel more like roommates than partners
- You talk mostly about logistics, schedules and chores
- Affection and sex have become rare, or feel like a duty
- Small things irritate you, and you stop sharing your day
- You miss how things used to feel and are not sure how to get there
- Time alone together feels quiet or a little awkward
- Laughing together happens less often
- Plans for the future feel flat
Curiosity
Wanting to know your partner’s thoughts, dreams and day.
Playfulness
Laughter, teasing and little surprises that lighten the mood.
Physical warmth
Touch, affection and desire that feel easy and welcome.
Is It Normal for a Relationship to Lose Its Spark?
Losing the spark for a while is a season, not a verdict. Most long relationships move through times of distance and times of closeness, and many couples find their way back to each other.
Every long relationship goes through closeness and distance, highs and lows, intimacy and separation. These phases are normal, and they can come from changes in lifestyle, workload, stress or broken trust.
Why Does the Spark Fade?
Routine
Over time, couples fall into a monotonous pattern and begin to take each other for granted.
Stress and overload
Work, money, children and caring for family leave little energy for each other.
Phones and screens
Technology can become an obstacle in relationships, when partners focus on online connections and miss the person next to them.
Unspoken hurt
Resentment can last longer than expected when small disappointments are never discussed.
Why This Is Common for Silicon Valley Couples
In Silicon Valley, many couples live inside a high performance culture: long hours, constant thinking, back to back meetings, and nervous systems that rarely get to slow down. When both partners are carrying full calendars, closeness gets pushed to “later,” and the relationship can start to feel efficient but not nourishing. If that sounds familiar, losing the spark may say more about your workload than about how much you care. You can read more about how a heavy workload can affect your sex life.
How to Get the Spark Back: Seven Ways to Rekindle Love and Affection
If you are wondering how to get the spark back in your relationship or marriage, small, regular moments work better than big gestures. Here are seven ways to begin.
- 1Put the phones awayMake a phone free rule when you are together. Even twenty phone free minutes a day makes room for conversation and affection.
- 2Try something new togetherTrying something new together brings back some of the excitement of earlier days. Watch a new show, cook for each other, take up a hobby or sing a little karaoke.
- 3Add small moments of connectionA six second kiss before leaving, a hug that lasts long enough to relax, or a text that says you are thinking of them. Small, repeated moments matter more than big gestures.
- 4Say what you miss, with kindness“I miss feeling close to you” opens a conversation, and “you never pay attention to me” closes it.
- 5Appreciate each other out loudSpecific thanks, such as “I saw how patient you were with the kids today,” help both of you feel noticed again.
- 6Plan time to reconnectA weekend at a nearby retreat, or a staycation at home, with work and stressful topics set aside. Go through old photos, play music you both love and focus on what brought you together.
- 7Care for hurt firstIf resentment or broken trust sits underneath, naming it, or getting help to name it, comes first, and extra date nights then land much better.
For more ideas, see 10 essential skills that build deeper intimacy in marriage. If you keep saying the same things and the pattern stays the same, why nothing changes even after you have said it a hundred times may help.
What the research says
Small, shared moments make a real difference
Novelty lifts closeness. In experiments, couples who shared a 7 minute novel, exciting task reported higher relationship quality afterward than couples who did a more mundane task.
Phone habits matter. Researchers found that phone interruptions during couple time led to more conflict over technology, which predicted lower relationship satisfaction, so agreeing on phone free time protects closeness.
Based on articles retrieved from PubMed: Aron and colleagues (2000), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; McDaniel and colleagues (2017), Computers in Human Behavior; 2020 meta-analysis of couple therapy, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, which found a large improvement in relationship satisfaction after couple therapy, compared with couples on waitlists.
How to Get the Spark Back When You Feel Like Roommates, After Kids, or After Many Years
Like roommates
Start with ten minutes a day of real conversation that is not about logistics. Share one thing you enjoyed and one thing you are looking forward to.
After kids
Protect small pockets of couple time, such as a walk after bedtime or coffee before the house wakes up. Connection grows in short, regular moments.
After many years
Rediscover each other with new questions. People keep changing, and curiosity about who your partner is today brings warmth back.
When It Is More Than a Rough Patch
It may help to get support if you notice that:
- The distance has lasted months and is getting wider
- You avoid being alone together, or avoid talking about important things
- Arguments repeat with no repair, or turn into contempt
- One of you feels checked out, or wonders whether the relationship is worth the effort
You can also read the signs you may be ready for couples counseling and when you need couples therapy.
Couples Therapy in Silicon Valley
Some couples need a trained third person to help them through this phase. A couples therapist can help you slow down the cycle you are stuck in, understand what each of you needs, and find new ways to reach each other. Therapy is a space where both of you are heard, and many couples feel closer once they begin.
Azizeh Rezaiyan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Menlo Park with nearly 30 years of experience, works in an experiential, attachment based way as a PACT trained therapist, drawing from the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with four additional years of advanced training in Integrative Body Psychotherapy (IBP). She offers couples counseling, marriage counseling and sex and relationship counseling, and she sees couples from across Silicon Valley, including Menlo Park, Palo Alto and San Jose, and online.
Related reading
If desire or guilt is part of the picture for you, these two articles can help.
Read more on closeness and connection
FAQ
Common Questions
Is it normal for a relationship to lose its spark?
Yes. Most long relationships go through times of distance and times of closeness. Losing the spark for a while is a common season, and the relationship can glow again.
Can a relationship get its spark back?
Many couples find their way back to closeness through attention, honest conversation and small daily changes. With effort from both partners, closeness often returns, and change often begins once you start. A 2020 meta-analysis in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found a large improvement in relationship satisfaction after couple therapy, compared with couples on waitlists.
Why do relationships lose their spark?
Routine, stress, busy schedules, phones and unspoken hurt are the most common reasons. Understanding which of these is at work for you shows you where to begin.
How do we get the spark back when we are both busy?
Start small and protect it. Fifteen minutes with phones away, a daily check in, or one specific thank you each day can shift the mood more than a big date once a month.
How do you know if the spark is gone?
Common signs are feeling like roommates, talking mostly about logistics, rare affection and missing how things used to feel. These signs point to a need for attention and closeness, and you can read the signs you may be ready for couples counseling.
Can a relationship work without a spark?
A relationship can rebuild its spark, and many couples do. Warmth, trust and shared life are strong foundations, and small steps such as new experiences, kind words and real conversation bring the glow back.
What if only one of us wants to fix it?
That is common. You can start by talking about what you miss with kindness. If it stays one sided, support can help you understand what is getting in the way and decide what you need.
Does losing the spark mean we should split up?
Often it means you are in a hard phase, and many couples find their way back. Only you can decide what is right for you, and a therapist can help you both look at it clearly.
Do you offer couples therapy in Silicon Valley?
Yes. Azizeh sees couples and individuals at her Menlo Park office and online. Many of the people she sees have demanding careers and little time, so the free 20-minute consultation is a simple way to ask what would fit your schedule.
What if my partner will not come to therapy?
You can start on your own. You do not need your partner to agree first. Individual sessions give you a place to sort out your feelings and decide what you need. Azizeh sees individuals in Silicon Valley and online. A free 20-minute consultation is a good first step, and you can come alone.
